The fear of going ‘back home’

You finally made the move and are fully embracing your new life in Spain. But, when is the right time to visit ‘back home’? After we moved, we talked about going back to visit but, honestly, for a while I put it off.

Not because I don’t miss home. Not because I don’t want my daughter to see the people and places that shaped her early years. But because I was a little bit afraid that if we went back too soon, my daughter won’t want to leave again.

That all the hard work we had put into settling here, the language struggles, the emotional adjustments, the slow laying down of roots, could be undone in a matter of days. That she’d be pulled back towards what was familiar, easy, and effortless. Her old life. Her old self.

The pull of the familiar

There’s something deeply human about gravitating towards what we know. Psychologists talk about the brain’s preference for familiarity and how it equates the known with safety. For children especially, familiar environments reduce cognitive load. They don’t have to translate, adapt, or decode social cues. They can simply be.

So when we talk about children “settling in” after a big move, what we’re really asking of them is enormous. We’re asking them to override that instinct for familiarity and safety, and instead build comfort in the unfamiliar, a process that takes time, repetition, and emotional security.

Knowing this has helped me understand why the idea of returning too soon felt so destabilising. It wasn’t irrational fear, it was a protective instinct.

Managing distance, and the mum guilt that comes with it

Because of that instinct, I’ve also been conscious, perhaps overly so, about managing my daughter’s interactions with friends back in the UK. I’ve worried that too much contact might anchor her emotionally to a life she can’t currently access, making it harder for her to fully embrace the one she’s building here.

She had strong, beautiful friendships. Deep ones. And allowing those to stretch into long-distance relationships hasn’t always felt fair. There’s a part of me that worries I’ve interfered, that I’ve decided something for her rather than with her. But I also trust those friendships. Truly. They were built over years, not playground weeks. And I believe that friendships with real depth don’t disappear because of time or distance, they wait.

In the meantime, creating space has allowed her to form new connections here. Different ones. Harder-earned ones. And that feels important too.

Taking the first step back

Recently, we took the leap and returned to the UK. But even then, I controlled the conditions.

We stayed with family, away from the place we used to live. I couldn’t face taking her back into what would no doubt have been a perfectly wonderful Christmas, filled with familiar sights, sounds, traditions, and feelings from her earlier childhood, while we’re still finding our footing in Spain. I knew it would be too much. Too emotionally loaded. Too soon.

And yes, I felt guilty. Deeply. It felt like denying her something joyful, something comforting. But I also felt that protecting her sense of stability here mattered more in the long run.

Playing the long game

Parenting through a move like this requires a different kind of patience. It’s not about short-term happiness or quick fixes. It’s about the long game,helping our children feel secure, grounded, and confident across more than one place, more than one identity.

I don’t believe there’s a universal “right time” to go back. I think it depends on the child, the family, and where you are emotionally in the process of settling. For us, easing in gently felt right. Creating safety before nostalgia.

I trust that when we do return fully, to friends, familiar streets, and old routines, my daughter will be able to enjoy it without feeling pulled apart. That she’ll know, deep down, that home isn’t just where she came from, it’s also where she’s growing now.

And I trust that the choices we’re making, even the uncomfortable ones, are laying foundations she may not recognise yet, but will one day feel grateful for.

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